crown of violets

A Promise

One night, I sat alone in my apartment with a heavy heart, surrounded by piles of books about courtesans, priestesses, and goddesses. For months the universe had been sending me messages about the need to explore the mystery and magic found in the realms of beauty and pleasure. I was being drawn again and again back to images and attributes of the goddess Aphrodite, seeing her symbols everywhere, drawing the Empress card repeatedly from my tarot decks. I knew the path I was being pointed towards was both a spiritual and physical journey, and while I wasn’t ready to work as a prostitute, I knew it was something I wanted to do and that it would mean more to me than simply being paid for sex. I needed to learn about the sacredness in beauty and pleasure.

I felt frustrated and confused. I was being called to serve but what did I have to offer? The aspects of life ruled by Venus (beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, delight) were my weaknesses, not my strengths… I didn’t feel beautiful, or happy, or charming. I was intellectual, good with stories and symbols. The physical world was tough for me. I struggled with feeling closed off and disassociated from my life and I had a hard time giving or receiving love. Yet, I felt desire to be all those things Aphrodite and Venus represented. I felt hungry for it – to feel loved, to feel beautiful, to be sensual and experience life as pleasure, instead of pain.

Tearfully, I gave up trying to find the answer in my texts and finally started talking out-loud to the goddess of love and beauty. I lit a small stick of incense that smelled like roses and closed my eyes.

“I don’t know what I have to offer or how I can serve you, but show me, ask of me and I’ll try my best.”

It wasn’t the most eloquent prayer I’d ever spoken to the divine, but it was a genuine offering of my heart. I dedicated myself to her service.

I’ve changed a lot since that night. My world now revolves around that decision to serve love and beauty, to cultivate and spread it. I kept my promise by trying to find out what the real the meaning of beauty was. I learned that beauty was the quality of something that gave pleasure, which has helped me release limiting beliefs about what is beautiful. I cultivate a sensual environment for myself through colour, texture, and music. I garden and work with plants. I dance every day and hula hoop as ways to enjoy my body and play. I’ve worked hard to heal my relationship with food, by cooking for myself and my roommates, trying different diets and being involved in community groups like The Good Food Club. I express the love I feel for those around me and let myself feel loved in return. I try to make decisions from a place of love instead of fear. When it crosses my mind, I take a moments during my day to simply experience a sense of gratitude.

That promise I made opened my heart and mind to transforming my life into one full of love, pleasure, and beauty. It helped me shift my focus and energy from my perceived lack and build new strengths. All it took was desire and effort.