crown of violets

The other week, at the “Love and Other Delusions” show, I met a woman from out west. I noticed her walk in and introduced myself when I saw her talking with a friend of mine after the show. She invited Roommate X and I for drinks with her, one of the performers and the performer’s friend. Roommate X bowed out and I went alone. I was so nervous I drank half my drink before finding them. In between conversations about the performer’s career, our various jobs, astrology, and hockey – our knees knocked. I took a big sip of what was left of my drink. She asked to kiss me. Then she asked me home. ♥

And later on, she asked me to go camping in the MOUNTAINS. I just about died. She was driving back home in a few days and wanted company. I had never seen the mountains before, except for afar at the airport in Trinidad. We spent about four days in total together, one in Winnipeg talking, taking her dog to the park, listening to Indian chanting and Tracy Chapman – who is a great artist, and more talking, three driving and camping. I learned how to put up a tent, that I’m destined to find older Taurean dames deliciously dangereux, and that generosity of love and spirit is a beautiful thing in a human being. She was so lovely.

I ended up spending a day and a half in Banff by myself, which was pretty fun. I stayed in a hostel for the first time. My roommate worked for as a juvenile corrections officer in an other country, which was funny since my first court date was swiftly approaching. I spent a gorgeous afternoon in a beautiful garden near the edge of town, reading a book she had given me. It was called “The Fifth Sacred Thing” and it was written by Starhawk. I’ve never read any of Starhawk’s writing before, but I loved this book. I read it a second time on the 22-hour bus ride back to Winnipeg.

It’s about San Francisco, known as the City or the North, in the year 2048 where it has become a place where no one hungers, no one thirsts, no one lacks a home or companionship, and everyone acknowledges the four sacred things: fire, water, earth, and air – no matter their religion. Madrone is a healer in the City and ends up taking a journey to the South, down to Angel City where access to food and water is dependant on obeying the Four Purities, women can no longer work, and speaking a language other than english is considered deadly. Bird, a musician who grew up in the North, one day wakes up in a southern jail after been missing for ten years. He escapes and makes his way home to the city where water flows through the streets and tries to heal from his broken hands and heart. On his way, he learns that military armies of the South are preparing to invade the City, sparking the question can a non-violent society stand against the anger and violence of a culture that seeks to dominate? What is stronger… violence or the fifth sacred thing – spirit.

Through the book, Starhawk shows a utopian vision of how we can create an abundant future… and the likely alternative. The book speaks to everything I worry about and question when I look at the world and my own choices. Which direction are we heading: the enslavement of all or the freedom of all? The lack or the abundance? What kind of choices are we making?

This trip was so fulfilling in so many ways. It was the perfect way to close my summer. I’ve felt more active every day, more able to give, more able to show love, stronger. We’re entering into the harvest and I feel that season of transition coming, shaking things up.

Love And Other Delusions by Tamara Lynn Robert

A little over week ago, I went to a great show at Ragpickers. It was called Love and Other Delusions, put on by a friend of a friend, for a new initiative in Winnipeg to support the health and safety of sex workers. It was fabulous. Poetry, burlesque, humour, adorable outfits, great prizes, charming audience.

It’s a blessing to be in a room full of friends and their friends, watching an amazing show that is fundraising for a cause that is deeply important to me. I felt love fluttering in my chest, like a little white moth preparing to land. I imagined it filling my cupped hands and flying free in a flurry of dusty white wings. Every part of me hummed with an energy that grew with every smiling face, every hug, every kind word from each person that was a reminder of the beauty in my world.

I swear, I feel more thankful every day.

A few months ago, my world came crashing down, when four sex workers, including myself, and two allies were arrested in a raid by the Winnipeg Police and charged. One woman’s two children were taken. It was my first experience with the police and a pretty intense lesson about how some people feel about my work. It was so strange to be in that room with people who were so convinced that they were protecting me from myself, unable to engage or speak to them as peer human beings. I felt at such a loss. My life was changed. I couldn’t work, couldn’t even begin to know how to respond.

But as the weeks went by and I felt my energy and life force drain away, I was lifted up by the love that was given so freely by the people I share my life with. When I had to tell my parents, I was comforted by family. When I didn’t know where my path lay anymore, I was inspired by the people around me and their response to what was happening: the strength of it, the passion behind their convictions, the love they poured into me. I was reminded again and again that we were all working towards the same dream – bringing more love, courage, empathy, and light into the world.

It was summed up that night in a pub, with some new friends, glasses raised in a toast -

“This is a perfect, blessed moment.”

We are exactly where we are meant to be. This is the world we made.

Broken Heart
Originally uploaded by Gabriela Camerotti

I decided this year would be my year to build my courage, while carrying forward my gift of a loving and compassiionate heart. The past months I’ve made challenges for myself and achieved them, building my strength and breaking free of the fear that once ruled my decisions. The biggest challenge so far has been one that I didn’t expect and couldn’t plan for, but has been teaching me some great lessons about myself and my heart.

One of my challenges was to come clean about a lie I’d told when I was sixteen. The last person I had to tell was one of my closest friends, who has been one of the most important people in my life for the past six years. I’ve always cared deeply for her, but something in our relationship changed that day.

We had actually been living quite separate lives for a while and I couldn’t get a hold of her to tell her the truth in person, though I’d left messages and sent an email. She heard it from a mutual acquaintance and called me to talk about it. I went to see her and after clearing the air somehow ended up in her arms in an intense kiss. I still can’t quite recall how it happened.

The next week or two was a roller coaster. Wanting her passionately brought up new challenges related to past relationships. She has been a catalyst for amazing growth for me. She mirrors my own giving heart and was the first person I could begin to open myself to. She has shared both the best and worst of my life.

I wrestled with the shadows of an open and receptive heart and fought the urge to push the whole situation away. After all, I’d just starting taking clients as a companion. Was pursuing a romantic relationship what I wanted? I’d never really considered how having a personal intimate relationship would manifest while being a companion. I had been so focused on what I was creating for myself, I didn’t think of how another person would fit into that. How much of my time and energy would go where?

Having an intimate relationship with her in particular would put us in unknown territory. We’ve grown up together. We’ve been witness to some truly messy growth spurts and energy cycles, many of which we’ve acted out on each other. Our greatest strength has always been that we’ve both made a commitment to love each other as unconditionally as we are able. We both lead very spiritual and independant lives, and have a history of codependant relationships. Codependency happens when instead of nurturing ourselves, we nurture someone else and expect that person to fulfill our needs. Instead of bringing a whole to the relationship, codependency is about halves. We energetically polarise and instead of completing the cycle of giving and receiving ourselves, we give and expect someone else to complete the exchange by fiving. Neither of us has chosen that in a long time, but I’ve been working with old ghosts of fears and releasing them, so that energy was very present.

I also worried about how a relationship between us would develop. We have been children together, each other’s mothers, friends, sisters. I had my first spiritual companionship and sexual healing experience with her. But my love for her never felt passionate until that day. I felt like something had aligned in me.

Overwhelmed by conflicting thoughts and desires, I sought refuge at a friend’s place to vent my fears and thoughts. I ended up forgetting a very special necklace there that Sarah at Glamourkin had custome made for me last fall to celebrate how much healing gardening had brought into my life.

After letting myself sit with all the things I was afraid of, I decided that I wanted to try. After all, it was my year to build my courage and not let fear stop me. The universe had chosen a challenge for me that went deeper than I could have imagined, but I wanted to meet it. I talked to her and asked that she think about what she wanted. I tried to act with grace, openness, and courage and was so proud of how I approached. I felt incredible.

And then, she turned me down.

I was heartbroken. It had seemed so perfect and so congruent with the growth I was experiencing. It had seemed like it took so much for me to more forward and open myself. But more importantly, I loved her deeply and wanted to see what would happen if we explored this new dimension to our relationship.

All of her reasons had been the same things that I myself had been struggling with and I had to respect that we had come to different conclusions. I made a commitment to love her unconditionally and it was that I chose to renew. I turned my attention towards processing the experience and working with the parts of me that it had unearhted.

It was difficult. The next few times I saw her, I tried to process what had happened and my attraction. I felt that she was attracted to me too, but honoured her decision.

A week later, I made plans to visit the same friends who I’d stayed with before. They returned my necklace and I realised that the new moon was approaching. I was mystified to learn the whole experience had occured within the cycle of one moon. I renewed my desire to let go of what didn’t serve me and to meet the challenges unfolding with strength. I sang to myself on the walk home. I mentally thanked her for everything she’d given me over the years, everything we’d shared, and asked for a more appropriate romantic interest.

She visited unexpectedly the next day. I learned that she had stopped by the night before, while I’d been out, and had spent the evening very similarily to mine, releasing her attachments and inviting clarity into some situations she was going through. She told me she’d been mistaken, that she wanted to try. We spent a lovely day together and kissed in the snow, under a tree.

I didn’t feel anything. For about a day and a half, I felt numb and sad. Wasn’t I supposed to feel happy? Even more confused, I realised I needed some counsel. I turned to another friend of mine, whom I’d know even longer than the one I was attracted to. She suggested that I was in shock and the change in our relationship, coupled with rejection and then the sudden change of heart had all happened too quick for me to process. I had to agree. I went back and forth, first shaken by her rejection and then, finally we both agreed to honour what the other was feeling in each moment and hold each other to nothing but that we explore what was going on with compassion and trust.

I wish I could tell you I’ve figured it out. I hesitated to share this story, because of the deeply personal nature and because I don’t know the ending yet. But sharing the journey as it happens, with all the ups and downs and confusion is part of opening myself to others and part of the reason I decided to start this website. I’ve learned from this situation that I can invite and plan, but the really tough lessons are the ones that come from opening myself to the mysteries of the universe.

So unexpected or no, I’m going to try to meet them with as much grace and courage as I can.

Thank you, stars
Originally uploaded by ::Miguel Vila::

When we say something is beautiful, what we’re really saying is that we find it pleasing. We feel distaste for things that don’t please us, that we have no affinity with. We pull towards us what we feel a connection to. This deep attraction feels good, it pleases us, so we are attracted to beautiful things. We desire.

While many of us share common ideas of beauty, we also are wildly different in what we feel desire for. We are even wildly different from one moment to the next within ourselves. We are creatures in flux, change, motion. Our perception of beauty is tied to something deep in us. We are creatures of both sensuality and spirituality, we love harmony as much as we love chaos, so we are drawn to things that are both like us and different. We seek both ourselves and strangeness in what we are drawn to.

The moment of attraction is like a sparkling warmth that fills me from the inside out, sweet and sharp electricity across my skin. It can come with a person, a really good piece of art work, a delicious meal, a new idea that’s just what I’ve been waiting for. It can be a cold shiver down my spine, with just enough bite, dazzling and breathtaking. Desire is elemental, essential to our being. It’s what drives me to create, to explore, to dance. It’s the drive to express, to give of myself, to take into myself. Without desire, we’d probably fade into entropy, slowing down until we stagnate or fade. We’re like the stars, needing just the right mix to keep sparking, keeping igniting, renewing ourselves, burning brightly until it’s time for us to go out. Until then what we truly desire is to burn ourselves perfectly with everything we’ve got. We want to give our gifts away, to hold nothing back. We want to shine.

{the charming nickname of divine oh nine was coined by the lovely gala}

A little while ago, I started rereading Steve’s blog on personal development after his post on polyamory. I’d always enjoyed his blog, but this post and his new focus on intimate relationships changed the way I read and thought about his work. A few days later I picked up his book and started a chain reaction that has left me breathless with how my life has changed in the past few weeks.

The book is based on of seven principles of personal development and offers many ways for the reader to start building strength in areas they are having trouble with, bringing their life into a harmonious balance. As it was the new year and the season of change and beginnings, I ended up thinking hard about what my focus for 2009 was going to be. The answer I came to developed organically while I was enjoying the growth blitzing exercises in the book. It came from the principle of Truth, a simple suggestion to tell the truth about something I had lied about.

One of the biggest problems I had in my childhood was lying. I was a storyteller and terribly afraid of doing anything bad or wrong so I simply took to lying as a way to handle my fear. This continued well into my teens, where during a relationship I made up an elaborate story about friends that didn’t exist and my sexual experience to gain attention and to escape from being myself. I continued telling the stories for a few years, effectively creating an emotional wall between myself and anyone I met during that time. Eventually guilt and a fair amount of growing up helped me moved on and I locked the secret away, trying to pretend it never happened. I wrote the confession on papers and threw them away. I started making friends who hadn’t heard the story and my life gradually moved away from that space. What I didn’t know is that when you lock a fear away instead of facing it, you are not free from it. It’s still there and it can wait a long time. Every now and then, especially during periods of extreme stress or fear, something about the story would come out and I would feel like I was slipping again. I began to feel like this fear and this lie was bigger than I was. Six years later, the simple suggestion that I tell the truth brought all the fear and guilt about what I’d done back. I told myself I could never tell the truth about it, that I would do something easier, that I couldn’t ever let this out again, that I had moved on… And then, I just stopped. I stopped listening to that voice. I had done it for too long. Soon after, I picked up the phone.

Once a day for the next week, I told the truth about what I had done to one of my friends. As much as possible, I tried to arrange a meeting face to face. If that wasn’t possible, I told them over the phone. I was met with such love and encouragement and even pride from my friends about my strength. I couldn’t believe it!

To keep the ball rolling, I quit my job. I had been working as a receptionist for a social services agency and found it harder and harder to get myself to work, especially in frigid winter temperatures. While I loved the work they were doing, the position wasn’t fulfilling and my work and happiness in other areas was severely suffering. So I left. I began to understand that 2009 would be my year to flex my courage muscles. My wish for this year was to no longer live in fear. I had watched fear grow and begin to control me.

The next challenge for myself was to sort out how I was going to contribute to the world. I had been a writer for years, but I began to see how fear of my work not being good enough had slowly suffocated any joy out of it for me. Last year, I had come to the decision that I wanted to be a companion. At the time, I let my fear about what people would think about me being a sex worker and my lack of belief in my abilities to express my vision control me. I had dreams of art, travel, and many other interests that I had never really considered possible because I had let fear control my life. I knew suddenly that all of these doors, and more, were open to me. So I created this website as a way to bring all of these pieces together.

Tonight, I am facing another challenge of courage. This is one that I didn’t see coming but that I intend to face head on, with trust and love. This world is truly full of limitless possibilities, if only we open ourselves and let our love become stronger than our fear. I have been living a truly divine ’09 so far and I know whatever happens, I’ll be strong enough to face it.