Divine Oh Nine and the Unexpected Challenge

Broken Heart
Originally uploaded by Gabriela Camerotti

I decided this year would be my year to build my courage, while carrying forward my gift of a loving and compassiionate heart. The past months I’ve made challenges for myself and achieved them, building my strength and breaking free of the fear that once ruled my decisions. The biggest challenge so far has been one that I didn’t expect and couldn’t plan for, but has been teaching me some great lessons about myself and my heart.

One of my challenges was to come clean about a lie I’d told when I was sixteen. The last person I had to tell was one of my closest friends, who has been one of the most important people in my life for the past six years. I’ve always cared deeply for her, but something in our relationship changed that day.

We had actually been living quite separate lives for a while and I couldn’t get a hold of her to tell her the truth in person, though I’d left messages and sent an email. She heard it from a mutual acquaintance and called me to talk about it. I went to see her and after clearing the air somehow ended up in her arms in an intense kiss. I still can’t quite recall how it happened.

The next week or two was a roller coaster. Wanting her passionately brought up new challenges related to past relationships. She has been a catalyst for amazing growth for me. She mirrors my own giving heart and was the first person I could begin to open myself to. She has shared both the best and worst of my life.

I wrestled with the shadows of an open and receptive heart and fought the urge to push the whole situation away. After all, I’d just starting taking clients as a companion. Was pursuing a romantic relationship what I wanted? I’d never really considered how having a personal intimate relationship would manifest while being a companion. I had been so focused on what I was creating for myself, I didn’t think of how another person would fit into that. How much of my time and energy would go where?

Having an intimate relationship with her in particular would put us in unknown territory. We’ve grown up together. We’ve been witness to some truly messy growth spurts and energy cycles, many of which we’ve acted out on each other. Our greatest strength has always been that we’ve both made a commitment to love each other as unconditionally as we are able. We both lead very spiritual and independant lives, and have a history of codependant relationships. Codependency happens when instead of nurturing ourselves, we nurture someone else and expect that person to fulfill our needs. Instead of bringing a whole to the relationship, codependency is about halves. We energetically polarise and instead of completing the cycle of giving and receiving ourselves, we give and expect someone else to complete the exchange by fiving. Neither of us has chosen that in a long time, but I’ve been working with old ghosts of fears and releasing them, so that energy was very present.

I also worried about how a relationship between us would develop. We have been children together, each other’s mothers, friends, sisters. I had my first spiritual companionship and sexual healing experience with her. But my love for her never felt passionate until that day. I felt like something had aligned in me.

Overwhelmed by conflicting thoughts and desires, I sought refuge at a friend’s place to vent my fears and thoughts. I ended up forgetting a very special necklace there that Sarah at Glamourkin had custome made for me last fall to celebrate how much healing gardening had brought into my life.

After letting myself sit with all the things I was afraid of, I decided that I wanted to try. After all, it was my year to build my courage and not let fear stop me. The universe had chosen a challenge for me that went deeper than I could have imagined, but I wanted to meet it. I talked to her and asked that she think about what she wanted. I tried to act with grace, openness, and courage and was so proud of how I approached. I felt incredible.

And then, she turned me down.

I was heartbroken. It had seemed so perfect and so congruent with the growth I was experiencing. It had seemed like it took so much for me to more forward and open myself. But more importantly, I loved her deeply and wanted to see what would happen if we explored this new dimension to our relationship.

All of her reasons had been the same things that I myself had been struggling with and I had to respect that we had come to different conclusions. I made a commitment to love her unconditionally and it was that I chose to renew. I turned my attention towards processing the experience and working with the parts of me that it had unearhted.

It was difficult. The next few times I saw her, I tried to process what had happened and my attraction. I felt that she was attracted to me too, but honoured her decision.

A week later, I made plans to visit the same friends who I’d stayed with before. They returned my necklace and I realised that the new moon was approaching. I was mystified to learn the whole experience had occured within the cycle of one moon. I renewed my desire to let go of what didn’t serve me and to meet the challenges unfolding with strength. I sang to myself on the walk home. I mentally thanked her for everything she’d given me over the years, everything we’d shared, and asked for a more appropriate romantic interest.

She visited unexpectedly the next day. I learned that she had stopped by the night before, while I’d been out, and had spent the evening very similarily to mine, releasing her attachments and inviting clarity into some situations she was going through. She told me she’d been mistaken, that she wanted to try. We spent a lovely day together and kissed in the snow, under a tree.

I didn’t feel anything. For about a day and a half, I felt numb and sad. Wasn’t I supposed to feel happy? Even more confused, I realised I needed some counsel. I turned to another friend of mine, whom I’d know even longer than the one I was attracted to. She suggested that I was in shock and the change in our relationship, coupled with rejection and then the sudden change of heart had all happened too quick for me to process. I had to agree. I went back and forth, first shaken by her rejection and then, finally we both agreed to honour what the other was feeling in each moment and hold each other to nothing but that we explore what was going on with compassion and trust.

I wish I could tell you I’ve figured it out. I hesitated to share this story, because of the deeply personal nature and because I don’t know the ending yet. But sharing the journey as it happens, with all the ups and downs and confusion is part of opening myself to others and part of the reason I decided to start this website. I’ve learned from this situation that I can invite and plan, but the really tough lessons are the ones that come from opening myself to the mysteries of the universe.

So unexpected or no, I’m going to try to meet them with as much grace and courage as I can.

Tagged as: Courage, honesty, Love, relationships