Both workshops he discussed the importance of names. By his teachings, when you ask for a name you are entering into a contract with the people. Your name tells who you are, what it is that you do, and when it’s given to you, you are agreeing to provide that contribution to the people. You enter into service to the community.

Abundance is created through the exchange between myself and the universe. To experience abundance, I have to contribute value to the world around me. There are many paths I could follow, many things that draw my attention, so it’s going to be a process of refinement to find the flow where what I do naturally meets the needs of the whole. Finding this results in an easy and abundant exchange from me to the world.

I’m looking to what I’m already doing to understand what my contribution is. It makes sense that what I’m spending my time on is relevant to what I’m here to give.

Gardening is something I’m very passionate about and it is extremely important . Gardening beautifies our spaces, gives us abundant food and other resources, helps us live in harmony with nature, and helps us heal the damage our way of life has caused. Gardens and the plants in them heal the body, the spirit, the soil, the water, the air, and the earth. My gardening mentorship has been one of the most important parts of my life, teaching me to become closer with the earth and take a stand in taking care of it. This is a gift I want to pass on to others. To that end and as part of our contribution to the world, we’ve formed the “Ancestral Growing” garden mentorship group.

Ancestral Growing provides participants of all ages and skill levels with both one-on-one and group mentoring to learn about self-sustaining, organic gardening in an urban setting. By using storytelling and low-impact techniques from many different cultures, Ancestral Growing seeks to pass on the knowledge of growing healthy food, herbs, and other plant-based resources. Growers learn how to utilize every part of the garden for pest control, fertilizer, seeds, and other resources. Gardens grown in this way require little to no water and are less labor intensive. Classes are free and drop-in. Participants are encouraged to pass on their knowledge and skills to other participants and community members and are given the chance to attend markets, hold workshops, and otherwise develop their skills and resources.

The goal is to share knowledge, get experience, share land and resources for gardening, and provide food and other plant resources to participants. I’m hoping it will be something that ups the quality of life of participants. Gardening has definitely improved my my quality of life.

Gardening is linked very closely in my mind with food, so a part something that I want to explore later on with this group is the opportunity to make contacts for finding local food and creating sources for food where needed.

As part of my contribution, I’ve been organizing this group, collecting interested contacts, promoting, sending out messages, and going to work parties. I’ve also been helping my mentor organize her schedule, finding new projects for us to work on, and sourcing out other mentors for workshops and grant options to get supplies for participants. Lots of interesting projects have come up since we’ve formed the group and it’s great to see the response.

I’ve been spending a lot of my time organizing cheerleading activities this year. I joined the Winnipeg Radical Cheerleaders and the Winnipeg Roller Derby League Jeerleaders. Both are pretty fun activities and I feel like both are important. Radical cheerleading gets me involved with politics and activism in an enthusiastic way. We’ve gotten some good feedback about our presence and cheers at different rallies and marches. Since the fall, we’ve gone to “Take Back The Night”, organized a “Pro-Choice Rally”, performed at open mics, attended the Anti-Prorogation Rally, and performed at International Women’s Day. Jeerleading is specifically for the Winnipeg Roller Derby League. They had their inaugural bout in Winnipeg at the end of February and played for a sold-out crowd. We had about six weeks to get outfits, cheers, and props together and ended up having a blast.

I contribute to both squads by organizing and performing. I feel like they’re both beneficial social activities for myself and the other people involved. I’m not sure how much general/community contribution I’m making doing them, since it’s a lot easier to see the immediate worth of gardening (food, resources, healing) over cheerleading (fun, entertainment). But entertainment and fun have their important purpose, especially when we’re working with Venus-inspired energy. (ie: Laughter-loving Aphrodite)

Another cause that I’ve been devoting my time to is the First Manitoba Goddess Festival. To quote the festival website ~

The Manitoba Goddess Festival is in our first year of operating and we are excited to be Canada’s First Goddess Festival! Our hope is to create a space that is open to people of all genders, orientations and ways of being who want to celebrate the Feminine Divine in a format that is Spiritual, Creative and Intelligent. At the Manitoba Goddess Festival, we wish to honor and celebrate the Goddess in all of her many facets, manners and forms. Behind this is a desire to create a safe, loving, non-judgmental, nourishing, healing, joyful and fun environment that is communal, connective and ALIVE!

Each year we will be honoring a different Goddess and working with her aspects to create a new and unique experience festival after festival. This year we are honoring Freyja — Norse Goddess of Sexuality, Lust, Love, Warriorship and Death. We will also be featuring a variety of extraordinary speakers, movers and shakers on a cornucopia of terrific topics, Ceremonies, Belly Dancing and Fire Spinning, A Burning Freyja and the Freyja Temple, The Aurora Borealis Healing Tent and Goddess Spa, as well as the wonderful Hearth Market hosting a variety of funky and fantastic sellers!

I was asked to help organize the Hearth Market, the vendors area, and when I learned that the first goddess being honoured was Freyja, I couldn’t refuse! She’s another goddess that reminds me of Venus, fierce and lovely at the same time. The festival is less than two months away and the whole thing has been planned in about four months. A huge undertaking! The response has been really positive. I think it’s really calling on the warrior aspect in all of us to hold our vision to create this space and have faith that everything will work out.

Creating this website has been important to my contribution. Here I get to share about my journey in a way that I hope benefits others who read it. I’ve been feeling the desire to expand what I write about, but I’d like to narrow the focus here and create one of two other websites to branch out. I haven’t been talking about sex work or sexuality as much and I feel that lack. Some events in my personal life have been reminding me of how passionate about that work I am.

I don’t get paid for any of these projects, so that begs the question – how do I support myself doing them? How do I invite abundance into my life by doing things I’m not directly getting paid for?

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That being said, trying to rewrite old patterns and thoughts in my head can be challenging. Especially because the environment I’ve created for myself up until this point will be reinforcing those old patterns as I move into a new way of thinking. As someone once said, my environment will eat my intentions for breakfast.

So, the logical step would be to create changes in my environment so that it’s supportive and working with, instead of against, the abundance I want to create in 2010.

Morning Ritual
I’ve gotten in the habit of getting up early to get a head start on my day. When I get up earlier, my day is more productive. No surprise there. But getting up earlier also gives me the time to set the tone for my day by visualizing and taking time to figure out what I want to get done that day.

I’m slow to wake up, often spending as much time as I can cuddling or dozing before coming fully awake. When I hear an alarm, I simply turn it off, roll over, and go back to dreaming. There are a couple of ways to solve this. Lots of people put their alarm clock where they can’t reach it easily, but I’ve been known to get up, turn it off, and curl back up in m warm nest of a bed. So I set three alarms; one goes off at 7:00 am, the next at 7:30 am, and the last one at 8:00 am. This is working well for me, because I can still roll over and go back to sleep, but each time I become more aware and by 8:00 I’m really wake. That’s a lot better than sleeping in until 10:00 am, which is what I was doing before. Of course, my next step is my morning visualization of abundance, so technically I don’t have to get out of bed until 8:30

Visualizing abundance until I feel the emotional state of it is probably one of the most important practices for me right now. It helps keep me focused on what I want to accomplish this year. I’ll imagine different scenarios and scenes from life where I’m surrounding by abundance or just spend some time feeling grateful. If I need a kick start, sometimes I’ll think of things that happened lately that I’m grateful for or just try and be grateful that I have a new day to look forward to. It’s good practice for my self-discipline, because some mornings I really don’t want to feel grateful. I want to feel cranky because it’s morning or because I ate something the other day that interrupted my flow of mojo. But I won’t be defeated!

A good activity right after I get up is to stretch, do some yoga, or turn on some music and dance. All these things turn my focus to my body and the pleasure of being alive and healthy. Dancing is a naturally joyful activity for me and something I haven’t been making time for. It’s meditative and sensual and the early morning exercise will help me get started on my day.

What I eat has a huge affect on my emotional state. When I went raw last year for six weeks, I experienced a huge shift in my emotional self. I’ve always been a moody and capricious person, but I noticed that while eating raw, my moodiness was less of an emotional roller coaster. I was still capricious, but it was with a sense of play and contentment rather than depression and angst. Unfortunately, I practiced eating raw last year while working as an escort, so it wasn’t hard to pick up fresh, organic produce every few days. I could afford it. But I’ve been sending requests to the universe and through the awesomeness of it all, we’ve had a constant supply of fresh fruit and ingredients for breakfast smoothies. As long as I start my days with fruit or a smoothie, I’ve done something good for myself and my energy level. The greens are starting to poke out of the ground as well, so maybe I can start wildcrafting for some interesting salad lunches? ♥

I notice that one of the first things that I do in the mornings in check my email and other websites. It’s been second nature for a while now, but I think this is a habit I’d like to cut out of my routine. Instead, I’d like to practice going out to the garden after breakfast. It’s a practical habit to cultivate. Even if I don’t have anything in particular to do, I feel like it’s important to be aware of what’s happening with the plants. I’ve been transplanting strawberries and I’d like to see how they’re doing in the new soil. Being aware of what’s happening, even this early on in the season will help ensure an abundant harvest later on. I’m also in a new place, so watching the sun and seeing which areas of the yard are getting light at what times is very important. (Hmm… morning yoga in the garden? ♥)

After I’ve done my round of the garden in the morning, another good habit is to sit down with my notebook and agenda and figure out what my priority tasks for the day are. I’m involved in a lot of different projects and groups and it can get overwhelming sometimes. I find that I’m worried about so many things getting done that it actually negatively affects my productivity. I’m not concentrating on the task at hand because my thoughts keep drifting the next ten tasks I have to get done. Not a very good system for quality of work or quality of life. If I prioritize what I need to get done that day, keep the to-do list to an attainable size, I’ll be able to focus more, get more done, and feel good about it.

Daily Supports
It’s important to make time daily for the things that are centering and soul fulfilling. Dancing, gardening, and drumming are all good ways to keep my energy and mood up. Prioritizing tasks and having a clear vision of the day will help me be productive. Making time to sit down and enjoy meals, having enough rest, and having relaxing time between one activity and the next meeting all ensure a healthy quality of life. I’ve been guilty of over-scheduling myself so many times and it never ends well.

Picking the influences I expose myself to is another good way of creating an abundant environment for myself. We absorb the messages we’re exposed to daily, so picking carefully the media I’m absorbing will help me rewrite the old messages of scarcity. It should be obvious by now that I spend a lot of time reading on Steve Pavlina’s website. I also like to read Rob Brezsny, who wrote a book called ”
Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings”. It’s fantastic and the type of material that leaves me with a feeling of hope and wonder at the world, instead of the frustration and fear I feel when I watch a news program. Choosing activities which empower me and help me learn skills also reconnect me to the abundance of the universe. I’ve always been very good with computers, but I’ve been reworking an old bike I got at The Bike Dump, with a fantastic community of volunteers. I’ve been learning how to use the tools and fix parts of the bike that need updating. That skill is carrying over at home, where I’m beginning to fix the broken cupboard at home, instead of staring at it blankly and avoiding it. I’m choosing the messages I receive daily and thus changing how I think about the world.

It’s easy to snap yourself out of negative thoughts by doing things that please us. We have two cats that live with us and I love cuddling them or playing with them. It brings a smile to my face, even when I’ve had a bad day. Singing while I’m cleaning or cooking or even as I’m writing blog posts (;)) lifts my mood as well. It’s all about filling the day with things that make me smile or feel good about the world. A feeling of abundance naturally follows.

Social Supports
Picking the types of people I invite into my life carefully is very important to my outlook and feeling of abundance. I have a drive to heal, so I often spend time with people that I feel subconsciously need healing and try to facilitate that. It’s not wrong to want to help people grow and heal, but I think sometimes focusing on another is a control tactic that distracts me from my own need for healing. I’ve been told time and time again from elders that you need to let people come to you. I notice it frequently when someone complains of an ailment and I suggest an herb or course of action. Many times I’m met with resistance and the individual gives me another, largely unrelated reason as to why they’re suffering. This is an attitude I’ve had and it just means that person isn’t ready to take responsibility for themselves yet. That’s okay. They’ve got a path that I don’t understand and have to follow it as their spirit guides them. Because I have a gift for healing doesn’t mean I can make choices for people or ignore my own healing by wasting energy trying to get them to do what I think is best. It’s a bit arrogant and engages me in patterns I’m trying to grow out of.

Inviting new friendships and connections with people who believe in the abundance of the world is very supportive. I went to a raw potluck this afternoon for the first time and was surrounded by a group of lovely, life-affirming people. We did yoga together and one lady lead us in a call and response mantra chant where we sang to Lakshmi, an Indian goddess of abundance with similar attributes as Venus energy. I knew I was in the right place.

I also got the chance to talk with many people interested in similar things and found opportunities to exchange gardening for yoga, visit an off-the-grid commune farm nearby, and even get some worms for vermicomposting (!!!) – all things I’ve thought about recently.

The Real Key to Abundance
Taking the time to change my thoughts, including daily supports and habits, and meeting new people with supportive beliefs are all very important to creating an abundant environment for myself. But the most important part of all of this is the attitude I’m sending out to the world. None of these things work and new things can’t come to me if I don’t open my heart to the world and give. A bad attitude blocks what the universe is manifesting in response to my requests. A closed heart gives and receives nothing. An open heart is strengthens me and helps me see the world in a golden light.

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One of the obstacles I faced last year, especially after getting arrested, was financial scarcity. Money wasn’t really an issue when I was working as an escort (not much of a surprise there ) but I’ve had a lot of trouble finding a job since. I’ve been working odd jobs since July and it’s been a huge stress to try and meet all my expenses. A lot of energy has gone into worrying about money that I could be putting into things that are way more fun.

Finding a more conscious, loving way of generating financial stability has been an interest of mine for years. I’m familiar with plenty of theories on how to create abundance, but I’ve never committed to creating abundance in my life the way I committed to learning courage last year. In fact, when I reflect on it, long-term conscious creation of abundance was often put on the backseat for more immediate financial needs. (Hmm… Maybe 2010 should also be the year I focus on patience? )

From what I’ve learned, the first step in creating abundance is building a vision of what you want to experience and making my inner self a match for that reality. We create the world around us, so something within me has been attracting scarcity and needs to be retrained to attract abundance. To help me get started, I visited some of my favourite resources to develop a plan of action.

Back in November, Steve Pavlina had posted a video blog about creating abundance. I’d been meaning to watch it for months but never quite got to it. I took the opportunity to watch it and sure enough, the first step he suggested was teaching yourself to sent out an abundance vibe to the universe. You do this by imagining a new reality of abundance around you and opening yourself to feel what that experience would be like. By creating that feeling repeatedly, you’re teaching yourself how to hold that state of being throughout your daily life.

Since watching the video, I’ve been practicing holding that state in the morning when I wake up and at night before I go to bed. The process has made me more aware of how limiting my casual thoughts during the day really are. It’s been helpful to take a moment when I notice these thoughts to replace them with a groovy abundance vibe. Way more fun than stressing about scarcity. I’ve been practicing reiki since last year and it’s helped me to become more aware of shifts in energy in my body and consciously altering my state of being. When I get to the right emotional state of abundance, I can feel a huge difference in my body. I feel lighter, often feel a little shiver go down my spine, and smile.

The shift isn’t always easy. Certain thoughts seem more like habits more than products of my thinking. I’ve probably thought them so many times before that they just kind of fill the space in my head when I’m not conscious of it. Fortunately, that’s just a matter of re-teaching my brain and reinforcing the new thoughts as often as possible. Depending on where I am and what I’m doing, it might take longer. But no matter how long it takes, it is so important to stop giving that energy to an experience I don’t want and redirect it into creating what I do want.

Sleep schedule and eating habits are big factors in my emotional state. I’ve noticed that if I’m tired or eaten a lot of sugar, it’s harder to change my thoughts. The gardening season has started so I’ve been getting up much earlier and leaving the house very soon after I’m out of bed. If I want to have a productive day, I need to make time to go through a morning ritual before rushing off to get things done. If I wake up slowly, spend time focusing on my vision and getting myself to an abundant emotional state, eat something alive and fresh, plan out my day, and then get started on what I need to do, my emotional state during the day is much more stable, focused, and positive. I experienced a lot of disconnect last year and after brushing up on Steve’s work the last few days I’ve come to accept that as part of learning to live consciously. I experienced first hand how acting out of fear can drop us right back into the old habits we were trying to grow past. Taking time for those steps every morning is a great environmental support to holding the new, abundant experience I want. If I skip them, I feel off-balance and less present/in control of my reality.

The second step offered in the video was the need to exercise courage to completely move into the new reality. You have to let go of what’s going to keep you in the old mindset and go for the new opportunities that will show up. You have to follow your heart and trust it to lead you. Luckily, I built some courage muscles last year to help me with that.

Another useful resource is daily “Notes From The Universe” sent from Tut.com. The notes also have a very similar two step process for creating the life you want. They encourage creating a vision and taking baby steps in the right direction and trusting the universe will support you. It’s a treat to open my email and get these notes once a day. They’re helping me to rewire my brain with the right, empowering messages.

An important component to creating abundance is figuring out what my contribution to the world is and how I want to give value to others. Companionship is extremely important to me, but I feel like need more training to do the job the way I think it should be done. I currently volunteer a lot of my time to food politics and community gardening and I’ve been getting messages about how crucial those things are. I’ve been feeling pulls towards the arts and event planning, as well as develop my skills as a healer using energy and herbalism. I know I need to write and I love being involved in activism, attending workshops, and cheerleading. I feel like I’ve been doing good work but I wasn’t being compensated for it, focusing on sex work as my only source of income. That was limiting and I need to expand my thinking to include being compensated for the various types of work that I love.

I was planting wild strawberries this afternoon, digging in the ground with my bare hands, and I was struck with gratitude that I was a gardener. It teaches me so much about generosity and service. It’s supportive to my health, my happiness, my home, and helps me give to those around me. Gardening has been my teacher of abundance over the last few years and as the weather warms, I’m excited to see what this year’s goals and garden will bring.

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When you ask the universe for courage, it doesn’t give you courage. It gives you lessons with which you can learn courage. It’s up to us to take the course of action that will build our courage.

The first part of last year was amazing for me. I pushed through a lot of challenges quickly, becoming a sex worker, starting a raw foods diet, and learning to be more authentic in my daily life. I felt a surge of new energy fueled by my enthusiasm and a boost from getting rid of old energy drains and creating more compatible situations for myself. I felt happier, more energetic, and more connected to the world around me than I ever had before.

About halfway into the year, the natural high I was on started to ebb. Things started to becoming more difficult and I experienced a lot of emotional blows. I felt like I was constantly having to defend my work (even to others in the same field). I was arrested, experienced a huge culture shock while trying to find ways to make money and process what was happening. I had to quit raw foods, committed to a whole new set of responsibilities to help me feel like I was still in control, and had my heart broken.

I tried to keep the same level of energy and positive feelings that I had started off with, but it got harder and harder as time went on and I felt more and more frustrated. I started to doubt myself and wondered where I had gone wrong. I had been so sure about the choices that I was making, so why wasn’t it working? Why was I suffering?

A little over a week ago, I sat by the river the day of the Spring Equinox with a close friend of mine. We talked and during our conversation, I shared my frustration and the growing disconnect I was feeling. I realized something very important. I had lost my faith.

It had happened slowly, over the course of many events. I had continued to act and speak as if I was on the same path, but I no longer felt the passion and spark in my heart. I had been hurt and frustrated when things didn’t turn out as I expected them to. Instead of letting go with love and holding to my vision for what I wanted, I tried to shut it off the pain, bury it and race towards the next challenge before I was ready. I wanted to stop feeling hurt and instead of working within myself to heal the attitudes and expectations that had caused that hurt, I avoided the big challenges that could hurt me again and stopped moving forward. I started attracting energy dramas and asinine obstacles that left me feeling tired and depressed.

Over the next few days, I started working on tearing down the walls I’d put up around myself. I cried, sang, danced, and drummed. I began working on new stories and creative projects. I admitted to myself how running away from my hurt had facilitated the situations in my present life that were unhealthy. I forgave myself and others.

Anytime you follow a path, especially against the grain, you are going to face challenges that seem like they can’t be overcome. That’s why they’re challenges. Facing these challenges is a part of growth and how we become stronger. The universe had been challenging me to live up to my intentions, helping me to become the person who could accomplish those things and I held back. I let the big new challenges with teeth scare me because the first ones had been easy. I let fear weaken me and eventually drain me dry, instead of gathering my love, courage, and strength to help me overcome them.

Today, I feel strong. It’s spring and I’m celebrating my failures as experiences where I built strength of spirit and character. If I want to keep developing, I’m going to have to believe in myself and the universe, even when I’m in pain or confused. I can’t be attached to any particular outcome and have to learn the inner serenity to hold the vision of what I want in my heart despite outside influences. Hopefully it won’t take me six months to realize that next time.

I have to believe, be open, be strong, and be brave. I have to be a warrior of love.

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I’ve caught myself thinking the last few days about how differently I would interact with my loved ones now if I hadn’t been through the challenges in my past. If I’d never been hurt, would I be better than I am? If I’d never been disappointed, could I speak my mind more? If I’d never cried, maybe I wouldn’t worry about getting hurt?

We can wish to change the past, but I think deep down we know that we are who we are because of it. If I hadn’t had my heart broken, I wouldn’t have the strength that I feel quickening my blood, strength that comes from having had to rebuild when my world fell apart. I wouldn’t trust myself to rise to the challenges my path leads me down. I know, through the dark and confusing times, that I have a fire inside me that believes fiercely in love and that even if I don’t know what will happen, that I have to do what I can.

When I talk about love, the first thing that enters into people’s minds is romantic love. But I’ll say it again and again – love is more universal than that. Romance is an expression of love, but it isn’t what love is. It has infinite ways of expressing itself. The love I feel for my friends is no less than the love I feel for lovers or family. The love I feel for someone will change and evolve through knowing them and the changes happening in our lives. One expression of love (romantic) is not better or worse than another (familial). We simply express love in whatever channel is appropriate at the time. Love can be like fire, desire and passion driving us to action or intimacy… but love can also be like water, filling us and flowing through us. There is the spark of new love and discovery of a kindred spirit, as well as the deep love built from time, understanding, and trust. Love is a mystery. We are awed by it. We search for it, even though it’s all around us. Love is a primal force.

Love doesn’t ask us to be perfect or pure. It asks us to allow it into our lives. We all have something to offer, whatever phase of our journey we’re in. There is beauty in the love of an innocent heart that has never known pain, but there is equal beauty and worth in love that comes from a heart that we have pieced back together. There is hope and strength in a heart that chooses to ignite itself in the dark. Making the decision to love despite confusion and fear and past pain is a powerful thing. That decision invites love in and shows that we want something stronger, better, more aligned with who we are. It’s in that desire to be more than we have been before that we find power, truth, and nobility in love.

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The last few nights I’ve been feeling really restless. My dreams have been smoky and symbolic, women in threes, old overgrown gardens, strange ancient houses, voices speaking the names of old gods long sleeping. There have been so many messages and I feel like I can’t hold them all. They fade with the dawn and under the concerns of living in the physical world.

When I agreed to act as a servant of love, I didn’t believe I had anything to offer and though I put myself in her hands, I thought Aphrodite a frivolous goddess. When I thought of love, I often thought of a group of attributes, or qualities that I wanted in a partner, or a warm safe feeling that would soothe my fears and nurture me. I thought I knew what love was, and the more I follow this path, the more I realize how much I have to learn.

Love is all around us. It connects us to people, places, and objects. It’s the force that moves the universe, the life blood of creation. Every action we take, we take for love, for desire of a feeling, an experience, a person. And yet, to love is one of the scariest, hardest things we can do. I’ve often been caught up in thinking of love as quantifiable… that I have a limited source that I give to a specific someone in exchange for equal value of service, caring, etc. That if I run out, I need someone else to fill up that space for me. Sometimes I wonder if it was a cosmic joke for Aphrodite to take a lonely, dreamy little moon child and walk her down the trials of love, to see what she could become.

The funny thing about love is the more I give, the more I have. Not because one person or another gives it to me, but because the act of loving aligns me with a greater source of universal love. When I act out of love, I invite it into my life and carve a greater space within myself for love to flow through my being. I step deeper into love’s realm and that is my reward, more than any act of affection or caring than anyone can show me.

When we search for “love”, we are searching for many things that we associate with that label. The desire for love can be a mask for the desire for attention, sexual pleasure, sensual pleasure, care giving, protecting, teaching, sharing. We establish patterns early on that we continue to act out of, thinking if we can find the perfect person or the perfect way of explaining ourselves we will have those needs met and be happy.

Love is so much more than that. Love asks that we be gentle but strong, open and changing but centered in who we are, vulnerable and courageous. Love asks us to take chances again and again, even when we are tired and weathered. Love asks for us for our nobility, for us strive to be more than we have been. Love can bring us what we ask for, but the greater mystery is when love brings us what we didn’t know we needed.

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I started modeling for some sketching classes a few weeks ago, after a friend suggested it as a way to make some extra money. My first job was at the cre8ery for a Monday night class. The cre8ery is a beautiful gallery in the Exchange District. I arrived a bit early so I took a walk around the main gallery. There was a showing by a local artist named Ashley Perrier, who graduated from the University of Manitoba. Her work was lovely, full of light colours and soft lines with surreal and poetic imagery. I actually wanted to attend her opening the week before, but didn’t make it, so it was a treat to get to walk around the show with her.

The class was small and friendly and we started with some short thirty-second poses, then a minute and half, five minutes, ten minutes, and then twenty minutes. It was a great class to start with because the shorter poses taught me pretty quickly what kind of positions I could hold for longer time. There artists were also very helpful with pose ideas and very encouraging.

It’s interesting to get to walk around during the breaks and talk to different people about the pictures they’re drawing. Some bring different mediums to work with, some focus on different angles, or parts of the body. Every piece is unique. The atmosphere was comfortable and I’ve lucky to work with such a nice group of artists.

The second class I modeled for was one long pose for about three hours. Every twenty minutes we took a break, but I found it a bit easier to do forty minute sets. Pillows became my best friend! They supported my back and during the break we taped some markers on the ground so I could take the same pose. The showing that day was a juried member show from the Manitoba Craft’s Council.

I wasn’t too nervous my first time, partly due to advice from a local Facebook Group. I came prepared with water, a robe, slippers, and an apple to snack on. I also used the internet to look up pose ideas. Once I got there, I used my surroundings for inspiration. A wall made good support and a spot on the floor helped me to remember how my head was tilted.

The artists told me that yoga practitioners and dancers often made good models because they had better understanding of space and how the body flows. But everyone was different and they liked having a variety of models. I try to think about light and my muscles when I’m posing. Shorter poses give me a chance to experiment and try some positions that flex my muscles. I can save more comfortable positions for longer poses. I’m hoping that with practice I’ll build up stamina to hold some neater poses for longer. No wonder people who do yoga make good models! ♥

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February is Radical Self Love (RSL) month over at Gala Darling’s. Here are some questions she posted as homework and my answers!

What does Radical Self Love mean to you?
Radical Self Love to me means self love that is strong, vibrant, glowing, a defining part of your everyday life. It’s when self love is a major player in the choices we make and we get a charge from doing things that express self-love.

If you were engaging in RSL on a daily basis, what would that look like?
Delight with my life and the amazing things happening. Balance in the activities I choose to help me be the best I can be. Self-reliance because I know that I’m the only one who can create what I dream of.

What small pieces of that can you bring into your life TODAY?

♥ I can start every day with a fruit smoothie for breakfast. It’s raw, delicious, so so so good for my system, easy to make, and makes me feel great.

♥ Spacing out my daily activities so that I have time to eat, rest, or just enjoy the beauty of the day. I can’t be happy or productive if I’m rushing around worrying all the time.

♥ Continue building my bike. I’m not very good with tools or building things, but this winter I started working on a bike at the Bike Dump and I love it! She’s a lovely dark pink/red colour and I named her Katy-Scarlett. By the time I take her out, I want to know her inside and out and be competent to fix her when something happens.

♥ Dance. Dance. Dance. And hula hooping.

What beliefs do you currently hold that are stifling your regular expression of RSL?
I’m intuitive and sensitive to people’s moods and energy. Combine that with an affinity for healing and I’m prone to making excuses for the people around me when they engage in patterns that I know are unhealthy for me and suspect are unhealthy for them. In the past, I’ve enabled those patterns by not speaking my mind, calling people on it, or forgiving without expressing how I felt. I can empathize with why someone does something, but that doesn’t mean I have to play the fear&insecurity game. Surrounding myself with supportive individuals who are more compatible with what I want is a greater act of love, both self-love and a more universal kind.

Who could you use as a RSL role model?
Aphrodite of course! She’s a goddess of love and beauty and freely shared her blessings when and with whom she saw fit. Myth speaks that every year, Aphrodite returned to a sacred space to bathe, renewing her independence and autonomy. She tells us to celebrate the divine in ourselves through sensuality, pleasure, and self-love. She’s the personification of the beauty that is in all of use and the happiness found in celebrating it. Best self-love role model ever. ♥

{You should take part in RSL month because it’s awesome! Go here.}

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This past weekend was the first Taboo, the Naughty but Nice Show in Winnipeg, held at the Winnipeg Convention Center. It was a three-day “upscale consumer trade show dedicated to romance and self-improvement” featuring everything from toys and lingerie to hair extensions and Derby girls (♥!!!).

I showed up at around 7 pm when the crowd seemed to just be picking up. There were over 40 companies that turned out for the night with their wares. My favourite booth was Lovestyle Adult Toys with a gorgeous selection of glass dildos. Their products were elegant and sensual and their staff was very helpful. Another display that really caught my eye was Sinate Creations who brought beautiful handmade skirts and dresses made from saris and other vibrant, luxurious materials. The Winnipeg Roller Derby girls were also there (on skates of course) advertising the upcoming inaugural bout against Thunder Bay on February 27th. ♥ (If you’re in Winnipeg and you haven’t got a ticket yet, you need to get one. It’s going to be excellent!)

I was pretty familiar with most of the wares at the show but Sinful Sydnee Creative Courtesan Classes brought along a lovely little gem called a violet wand. It’s a toy that shocks your skin when you touch it. It felt like a more powerful version of static electricity. It came with a pretty purple glitter attachment that sent shocks up and down my back. Definitely something to look into. ♥

At the far end of the hall was a main stage setup that featured live entertainment throughout the weekend. I ended up catching a show by Miss la Muse, a local burlesque dancer. La Muse is a charming performer. I saw her perform once before at The Academy earlier this year and she has a show coming up on February 14th that I highly recommend for anyone who is interested. If you’re lucky, she’ll do her powder puff routine which is absolutely adorable. There was also a great bellydancing troupe called “The Hamsa Girls” with a fantastic dancer named Rachel that I really enjoyed.

At the other end of the hall, the show had a seminar theater which featured discussions on a variety of topics. After helping myself to some chocolate fondue and fruit, I sat in on “Going Oral!” by Fantasia and “BUTT It’s Sexy… and FUN!!” with Sinful Sydnee, both of which were great. Trade shows are often pretty exhausting for me so I left pretty early, with a stack of business cards and a goodie bag of free condoms and coupons. A friend and I grabbed a bite to eat before heading to her place. My night finished with a lovely walk down the frozen river with snow like diamond dust falling all around us.

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How we express our love for each other and the role it plays in our happiness was a huge theme for me last year. When I was younger, I used to think that love was complicated and fragile. I thought that it was something rare and strange that existed between two people that were then devoted to each other. Not surprisingly, I was often a lonely child.

As I’ve gotten older, I’m finding love to be very simple. Love is what connects us to those around us. Love flowing through us rejuvenates our spark, giving us vitality and passion. We love spontaneously, without reason, and with surprising strength. We love people, ideas, animals, objects, tangible and intangible things. It’s natural for us to love. Our hearts were made for it.

We’ve chosen to teach each other that love must flow through certain channels (friends, family, lovers, etc) to be valued and celebrated, but I’m learning this complicates and confuses my feelings. Instead of focusing on expressing what I feel naturally, I worry and begin to concentrate on expressing my affection through ideas of what is and isn’t acceptable based on what class of relationship I’ve put someone in. Love doesn’t flow as easily and I start to feel a lack of it in my life. I block the love that is being given to me and my spark doesn’t burn as brightly.

This year, I’ve let myself love much more. I’ve explored different types of emotional and physical relationships, deepened existing connections, let more people into my life and shared more about my inner self. I’ve been more assertive socially, more forward about what I wanted, and when in doubt, I did what my heart told me to do. I indulged my curiosity and instinct to explore. I learned to first speak my mind in difficult conversations and later to initiate them if I felt confused or that it was necessary. In return, I’ve found more joy, more connection, and more self-confidence. I’ve felt both happiness and sadness, clarity and confusion. I’m a lot closer to many people in my life and farther away from others who I wasn’t compatible with.

Because I was often pushing myself to express what I felt, while being afraid to do so, sometimes I felt erratic and foolish. I felt a little like a child who was learning to speak. The act of loving felt natural, but holding it back also felt natural, maybe because holding back was something I’d practiced so often.

When I express love for different people, what I’m feeling is a mixture of affection, affinity, intimacy, desire and other things I don’t know the name of. How I feel about each person is unique and the way I want to express it is fluid. Sometimes it can be material, like the desire to give gifts or to pamper (making food and feeding people is becoming one of my favorite ways to express love). Sometimes the expression of love is physical. We associate physical intimacy with sex and romantic intentions, when it’s just another way we express ourselves with each other. I’ve found the more I let myself express love organically, the more physically affectionate with my friends I’ve become. I hug more, hold hands more, kiss more and cuddle much more. This type of affection used to be reserved for romantic relationships but the friends I feel comfortable with physically are often also the friends that I feel emotionally close to or strongly about.

How we love is shaped by our personality, past experiences and the choices we’ve made. When we interact with someone, it can feel complicated because we’re often struggling with ghosts of jealousy,insecurity, paranoia, anger, and other demons. Even if we’re able to love with an open, care-free heart, we often use the same words for different things and forget that our desires and styles of loving are unique.

Communication has been the most useful and hardest skill to build in my relationships. It can be hard to talk about intentions and where each person stands in a relationship. It can be hard to talk about something someone has done that has hurt or upset us. Sometimes we just don’t know what we want or feel vulnerable talking about things that hurt us. But it’s necessary to build the skills of expressing to others what we want, what we’re feeling, and our intentions and boundaries. We learn how to do it by opening up and trying. The more we practice, the better we get. This is an integral part of showing love for our self and for others. It can build stronger relationships or show us the ones that we have to let go of.

I’m learning that the relationships we have strongly shape our view of the world. If I spend time with those I have honest and loving relationships with, I feel that the world is a safe, loving place. If I put energy into relationships that are full of insecurity and confusion, I end up feeling insecure and confused. Our relationships are reflections of ourselves, and where we put our focus is what we’re going to create. Looking forward to this coming year, I want to focus on being around those that value the things that I value (honesty, courage, and abundance in love). I want to share my time with those that bring joy and wisdom into my life by inviting out the best in me and asking the best of themselves.

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