Fine Arts Modeling
I started modeling for some sketching classes a few weeks ago, after a friend suggested it as a way to make some extra money. My first job was at the cre8ery for a Monday night class. The cre8ery is a beautiful gallery in the Exchange District. I arrived a bit early so I took a walk around the main gallery. There was a showing by a local artist named Ashley Perrier, who graduated from the University of Manitoba. Her work was lovely, full of light colours and soft lines with surreal and poetic imagery. I actually wanted to attend her opening the week before, but didn’t make it, so it was a treat to get to walk around the show with her.
The class was small and friendly and we started with some short thirty-second poses, then a minute and half, five minutes, ten minutes, and then twenty minutes. It was a great class to start with because the shorter poses taught me pretty quickly what kind of positions I could hold for longer time. There artists were also very helpful with pose ideas and very encouraging.
It’s interesting to get to walk around during the breaks and talk to different people about the pictures they’re drawing. Some bring different mediums to work with, some focus on different angles, or parts of the body. Every piece is unique. The atmosphere was comfortable and I’ve lucky to work with such a nice group of artists.
The second class I modeled for was one long pose for about three hours. Every twenty minutes we took a break, but I found it a bit easier to do forty minute sets. Pillows became my best friend! They supported my back and during the break we taped some markers on the ground so I could take the same pose. The showing that day was a juried member show from the Manitoba Craft’s Council.
I wasn’t too nervous my first time, partly due to advice from a local Facebook Group. I came prepared with water, a robe, slippers, and an apple to snack on. I also used the internet to look up pose ideas. Once I got there, I used my surroundings for inspiration. A wall made good support and a spot on the floor helped me to remember how my head was tilted.
The artists told me that yoga practitioners and dancers often made good models because they had better understanding of space and how the body flows. But everyone was different and they liked having a variety of models. I try to think about light and my muscles when I’m posing. Shorter poses give me a chance to experiment and try some positions that flex my muscles. I can save more comfortable positions for longer poses. I’m hoping that with practice I’ll build up stamina to hold some neater poses for longer. No wonder people who do yoga make good models! ♥
Radical Self Love
February is Radical Self Love (RSL) month over at Gala Darling’s. Here are some questions she posted as homework and my answers!
What does Radical Self Love mean to you?
Radical Self Love to me means self love that is strong, vibrant, glowing, a defining part of your everyday life. It’s when self love is a major player in the choices we make and we get a charge from doing things that express self-love.
If you were engaging in RSL on a daily basis, what would that look like?
Delight with my life and the amazing things happening. Balance in the activities I choose to help me be the best I can be. Self-reliance because I know that I’m the only one who can create what I dream of.
What small pieces of that can you bring into your life TODAY?
♥ I can start every day with a fruit smoothie for breakfast. It’s raw, delicious, so so so good for my system, easy to make, and makes me feel great.
♥ Spacing out my daily activities so that I have time to eat, rest, or just enjoy the beauty of the day. I can’t be happy or productive if I’m rushing around worrying all the time.
♥ Continue building my bike. I’m not very good with tools or building things, but this winter I started working on a bike at the Bike Dump and I love it! She’s a lovely dark pink/red colour and I named her Katy-Scarlett. By the time I take her out, I want to know her inside and out and be competent to fix her when something happens.
♥ Dance. Dance. Dance. And hula hooping.
What beliefs do you currently hold that are stifling your regular expression of RSL?
I’m intuitive and sensitive to people’s moods and energy. Combine that with an affinity for healing and I’m prone to making excuses for the people around me when they engage in patterns that I know are unhealthy for me and suspect are unhealthy for them. In the past, I’ve enabled those patterns by not speaking my mind, calling people on it, or forgiving without expressing how I felt. I can empathize with why someone does something, but that doesn’t mean I have to play the fear&insecurity game. Surrounding myself with supportive individuals who are more compatible with what I want is a greater act of love, both self-love and a more universal kind.
Who could you use as a RSL role model?
Aphrodite of course! She’s a goddess of love and beauty and freely shared her blessings when and with whom she saw fit. Myth speaks that every year, Aphrodite returned to a sacred space to bathe, renewing her independence and autonomy. She tells us to celebrate the divine in ourselves through sensuality, pleasure, and self-love. She’s the personification of the beauty that is in all of use and the happiness found in celebrating it. Best self-love role model ever. ♥
{You should take part in RSL month because it’s awesome! Go here.}
The Naughty but Nice Sex Show
This past weekend was the first Taboo, the Naughty but Nice Show in Winnipeg, held at the Winnipeg Convention Center. It was a three-day “upscale consumer trade show dedicated to romance and self-improvement” featuring everything from toys and lingerie to hair extensions and Derby girls (♥!!!).
I showed up at around 7 pm when the crowd seemed to just be picking up. There were over 40 companies that turned out for the night with their wares. My favourite booth was Lovestyle Adult Toys with a gorgeous selection of glass dildos. Their products were elegant and sensual and their staff was very helpful. Another display that really caught my eye was Sinate Creations who brought beautiful handmade skirts and dresses made from saris and other vibrant, luxurious materials. The Winnipeg Roller Derby girls were also there (on skates of course) advertising the upcoming inaugural bout against Thunder Bay on February 27th. ♥ (If you’re in Winnipeg and you haven’t got a ticket yet, you need to get one. It’s going to be excellent!)
I was pretty familiar with most of the wares at the show but Sinful Sydnee Creative Courtesan Classes brought along a lovely little gem called a violet wand. It’s a toy that shocks your skin when you touch it. It felt like a more powerful version of static electricity. It came with a pretty purple glitter attachment that sent shocks up and down my back. Definitely something to look into. ♥
At the far end of the hall was a main stage setup that featured live entertainment throughout the weekend. I ended up catching a show by Miss la Muse, a local burlesque dancer. La Muse is a charming performer. I saw her perform once before at The Academy earlier this year and she has a show coming up on February 14th that I highly recommend for anyone who is interested. If you’re lucky, she’ll do her powder puff routine which is absolutely adorable. There was also a great bellydancing troupe called “The Hamsa Girls” with a fantastic dancer named Rachel that I really enjoyed.
At the other end of the hall, the show had a seminar theater which featured discussions on a variety of topics. After helping myself to some chocolate fondue and fruit, I sat in on “Going Oral!” by Fantasia and “BUTT It’s Sexy… and FUN!!” with Sinful Sydnee, both of which were great. Trade shows are often pretty exhausting for me so I left pretty early, with a stack of business cards and a goodie bag of free condoms and coupons. A friend and I grabbed a bite to eat before heading to her place. My night finished with a lovely walk down the frozen river with snow like diamond dust falling all around us.
Love & Courage
How we express our love for each other and the role it plays in our happiness was a huge theme for me last year. When I was younger, I used to think that love was complicated and fragile. I thought that it was something rare and strange that existed between two people that were then devoted to each other. Not surprisingly, I was often a lonely child.
As I’ve gotten older, I’m finding love to be very simple. Love is what connects us to those around us. Love flowing through us rejuvenates our spark, giving us vitality and passion. We love spontaneously, without reason, and with surprising strength. We love people, ideas, animals, objects, tangible and intangible things. It’s natural for us to love. Our hearts were made for it.
We’ve chosen to teach each other that love must flow through certain channels (friends, family, lovers, etc) to be valued and celebrated, but I’m learning this complicates and confuses my feelings. Instead of focusing on expressing what I feel naturally, I worry and begin to concentrate on expressing my affection through ideas of what is and isn’t acceptable based on what class of relationship I’ve put someone in. Love doesn’t flow as easily and I start to feel a lack of it in my life. I block the love that is being given to me and my spark doesn’t burn as brightly.
This year, I’ve let myself love much more. I’ve explored different types of emotional and physical relationships, deepened existing connections, let more people into my life and shared more about my inner self. I’ve been more assertive socially, more forward about what I wanted, and when in doubt, I did what my heart told me to do. I indulged my curiosity and instinct to explore. I learned to first speak my mind in difficult conversations and later to initiate them if I felt confused or that it was necessary. In return, I’ve found more joy, more connection, and more self-confidence. I’ve felt both happiness and sadness, clarity and confusion. I’m a lot closer to many people in my life and farther away from others who I wasn’t compatible with.
Because I was often pushing myself to express what I felt, while being afraid to do so, sometimes I felt erratic and foolish. I felt a little like a child who was learning to speak. The act of loving felt natural, but holding it back also felt natural, maybe because holding back was something I’d practiced so often.
When I express love for different people, what I’m feeling is a mixture of affection, affinity, intimacy, desire and other things I don’t know the name of. How I feel about each person is unique and the way I want to express it is fluid. Sometimes it can be material, like the desire to give gifts or to pamper (making food and feeding people is becoming one of my favorite ways to express love). Sometimes the expression of love is physical. We associate physical intimacy with sex and romantic intentions, when it’s just another way we express ourselves with each other. I’ve found the more I let myself express love organically, the more physically affectionate with my friends I’ve become. I hug more, hold hands more, kiss more and cuddle much more. This type of affection used to be reserved for romantic relationships but the friends I feel comfortable with physically are often also the friends that I feel emotionally close to or strongly about.
How we love is shaped by our personality, past experiences and the choices we’ve made. When we interact with someone, it can feel complicated because we’re often struggling with ghosts of jealousy,insecurity, paranoia, anger, and other demons. Even if we’re able to love with an open, care-free heart, we often use the same words for different things and forget that our desires and styles of loving are unique.
Communication has been the most useful and hardest skill to build in my relationships. It can be hard to talk about intentions and where each person stands in a relationship. It can be hard to talk about something someone has done that has hurt or upset us. Sometimes we just don’t know what we want or feel vulnerable talking about things that hurt us. But it’s necessary to build the skills of expressing to others what we want, what we’re feeling, and our intentions and boundaries. We learn how to do it by opening up and trying. The more we practice, the better we get. This is an integral part of showing love for our self and for others. It can build stronger relationships or show us the ones that we have to let go of.
I’m learning that the relationships we have strongly shape our view of the world. If I spend time with those I have honest and loving relationships with, I feel that the world is a safe, loving place. If I put energy into relationships that are full of insecurity and confusion, I end up feeling insecure and confused. Our relationships are reflections of ourselves, and where we put our focus is what we’re going to create. Looking forward to this coming year, I want to focus on being around those that value the things that I value (honesty, courage, and abundance in love). I want to share my time with those that bring joy and wisdom into my life by inviting out the best in me and asking the best of themselves.
Sunrise Memorial
It was chilly and dark when my roommate woke me to get ready for the memorial. In a sleepy haze, I pulled on the clothes I’d laid out the night before. The half moon was bright in the sky as we walked to the Legislative building.
The building was decorated for Christmas with red bows, green trees, and golden bells everywhere. Fourteen of us gathered in a circle near the stairs and were each given a red rose and a name. We lived up as marchers from the very early morning walk from Union Street trickled in, holding small flickering candles in their gloved hands. After the guests had seated themselves, we walked in, dividing into two lines and surrounding the circular marble gate that enclosed the opening in the floor. Fourteen cream coloured candles were already in place and at each one we laid a rose.
Twenty years ago on December 6th, fourteen women were killed in Montreal at L’Ecole Polytechnique. December 6th has since become Canada’s Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women.
We were welcomed by the Chairperson of Manitoba Women’s Advisory Council, Marlene Bertrand, and Jennifer Howard, the Minister responsible for the Status of Women. Our first speaker was Karen Busby from the University of Manitoba’s Faculty of Law. I listened with interest as she spoke of the changes that had taken place in our society regarding women and the things that still needed changing. She spoke of the fourteen women who were killed twenty years ago, but also the ten women who were lost to violence this year in Manitoba. She spoke of the issues regarding Aboriginal women and the need to move beyond acknowledgment of the wrongs done in the past to reconciliation between peoples. My heartbeat pounded in my ears.
Leanne Ogloza from Osbourne House, a women’s shelter in the city, shared with us the story of her marriage, the partner she had loved and trusted, who had scared, controlled, hurt, and finally terrorized her and their beautiful daughter. She shared how she had to learn to throw off the label of victim and don the badge of survivor, finding a strength she’d never known existed within her. My vision blurred and wavered as she spoke and as the applause was loud and long when she finished, leaving us with a poem she had written during that dark night before she’d found her freedom.
The rose bearers were called up again and we stood in a circle. The candles smelled sweet as one by one, we called the name of one of the fourteen and lit one for her. In a ring of lights and roses, we all stood for a moment of silence.
The memorial closed with Laurie Favell-Mowat singing “Arms of an Angel”. I held back tears and hugged my roommate, who let herself cry.
We passed some time socializing after the ceremony, sharing a light breakfast and mingling. My roommate shared that one of the themes of the events held that week had been the invisibility of violence against women. She mentioned that some of the events had held a moment of screaming instead of silence in retaliation. We decided to talk to the river and have our own ceremony.
As we hurried down the stairs, a woman holding the roses we had laid down earlier walked by us. We asked if we could have one and she gave us two. We walked out into the daylight and towards the river. Within moments, the roses were frozen and stiff. We looked out at the frozen water and each said a small prayer of remembrance and hope. On the count of three, we dropped the roses into the snow and screamed as loud as we could.
{The Sunrise Memorial was held December 7th, 2009 by the Manitoba Women’s Advisory Council (Status of Women). Their website is http://www.manitoba.ca/msw.}
A Promise
One night, I sat alone in my apartment with a heavy heart, surrounded by piles of books about courtesans, priestesses, and goddesses. For months the universe had been sending me messages about the need to explore the mystery and magic found in the realms of beauty and pleasure. I was being drawn again and again back to images and attributes of the goddess Aphrodite, seeing her symbols everywhere, drawing the Empress card repeatedly from my tarot decks. I knew the path I was being pointed towards was both a spiritual and physical journey, and while I wasn’t ready to work as a prostitute, I knew it was something I wanted to do and that it would mean more to me than simply being paid for sex. I needed to learn about the sacredness in beauty and pleasure.
I felt frustrated and confused. I was being called to serve but what did I have to offer? The aspects of life ruled by Venus (beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, delight) were my weaknesses, not my strengths… I didn’t feel beautiful, or happy, or charming. I was intellectual, good with stories and symbols. The physical world was tough for me. I struggled with feeling closed off and disassociated from my life and I had a hard time giving or receiving love. Yet, I felt desire to be all those things Aphrodite and Venus represented. I felt hungry for it – to feel loved, to feel beautiful, to be sensual and experience life as pleasure, instead of pain.
Tearfully, I gave up trying to find the answer in my texts and finally started talking out-loud to the goddess of love and beauty. I lit a small stick of incense that smelled like roses and closed my eyes.
“I don’t know what I have to offer or how I can serve you, but show me, ask of me and I’ll try my best.”
It wasn’t the most eloquent prayer I’d ever spoken to the divine, but it was a genuine offering of my heart. I dedicated myself to her service.
I’ve changed a lot since that night. My world now revolves around that decision to serve love and beauty, to cultivate and spread it. I kept my promise by trying to find out what the real the meaning of beauty was. I learned that beauty was the quality of something that gave pleasure, which has helped me release limiting beliefs about what is beautiful. I cultivate a sensual environment for myself through colour, texture, and music. I garden and work with plants. I dance every day and hula hoop as ways to enjoy my body and play. I’ve worked hard to heal my relationship with food, by cooking for myself and my roommates, trying different diets and being involved in community groups like The Good Food Club. I express the love I feel for those around me and let myself feel loved in return. I try to make decisions from a place of love instead of fear. When it crosses my mind, I take a moments during my day to simply experience a sense of gratitude.
That promise I made opened my heart and mind to transforming my life into one full of love, pleasure, and beauty. It helped me shift my focus and energy from my perceived lack and build new strengths. All it took was desire and effort.