crown of violets

Princess Lotus by ~marumiyan on deviantART

I recognize Halloween/Samhain/All Hallow’s Eve as the end of one year and the beginning of a new one and a time to reflect.

Last year saw many changes for me as I sought to align who I was with who I wanted to be. A few months in, I set some goals to help me develop my courage and take more chances. I ended up working as an indoor sex worker, fulfilling a desire I’d been too scared to realize for over a year. I also ended up getting arrested, having to tell my parents about my chosen profession, and learn to navigate through a sea of assumptions, accusations, and stereotypes about the work. I’d been very lucky that my focus on honesty and courage had pushed me to be open about my work to most people I knew.

It’s been four months since the arrest, which literally turned my life upside down. I haven’t taken any clients since, surviving on temporary work in different places while I tried to sort out what I was going to do. I didn’t want to stop; I enjoyed the freedom to work only a few hours a week and having work that I enjoyed and challenged me, but it was obvious I couldn’t continue the way I had been. I’d also been experimenting with a raw and organic food diet for about six weeks before the arrest and unfortunately couldn’t continue without the income from my work.

I crashed, feeling depressed and stuck. I spent about almost two months trying to get myself back together. I felt angry and frustrated, unable to work the job I wanted nor really talk about what had happened for fear of retaliation from the police or attorneys handling the case. Near the end of August, I was blessed to be given the chance to go away for a few days to the mountains to re-center and get a break. During the trip, I had my nose buried in a fantastic book by Starhawk called “The Fifth Sacred Thing”. Feeling very inspired by the co-operative community and soulful living of the characters and Starhawk’s vision on how we can create a society that supports life and beauty, I threw myself back into the volunteering I’d done the year before with food security and community development.

I also felt inspired to become more involved in activism, joining Radical Cheerleaders and helping organize events and rallies on feminist issues. I’ve spent my time going to food security and community development events and networking with different people who have an interest or role in shaping the world into a place that is more fair and nurturing for all.

In my personal life, I’ve been learning what it means to create a nurturing home for myself with a chosen family, as we welcomed another roommate and two more furbabies bringing the total in our house to four humans and three felines. I’ve been trying to keep myself grounded by dancing daily and working through the angry and fearful emotions the events of the summer brought up.

This year brought a lot of new sexual and romantic experience for me, through work, crushes, and short-lived romances, leading me to ask lots of questions about my sexual identity, my female identity, and what inspires desire in me. I also felt the need to re-devoted myself to an earth-based spiritual path, something I haven’t done since I was a teenager. I’ve been working with the archetype of Venus as expressed through Aphrodite for the last couple of years and my focus this autumn shifted to include Ishtar, another divine aspect of Venus, as I felt the desire to learn to access the warrior in me and use that strength.

This autumn marks the end of an important cycle for me. It’s been seven years since my most influential spiritual awakening. I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve had and support I’ve received. The wheel is turning and it’s time to turn my thoughts towards a new year and new beginning.

Love And Other Delusions by Tamara Lynn Robert

A little over week ago, I went to a great show at Ragpickers. It was called Love and Other Delusions, put on by a friend of a friend, for a new initiative in Winnipeg to support the health and safety of sex workers. It was fabulous. Poetry, burlesque, humour, adorable outfits, great prizes, charming audience.

It’s a blessing to be in a room full of friends and their friends, watching an amazing show that is fundraising for a cause that is deeply important to me. I felt love fluttering in my chest, like a little white moth preparing to land. I imagined it filling my cupped hands and flying free in a flurry of dusty white wings. Every part of me hummed with an energy that grew with every smiling face, every hug, every kind word from each person that was a reminder of the beauty in my world.

I swear, I feel more thankful every day.

A few months ago, my world came crashing down, when four sex workers, including myself, and two allies were arrested in a raid by the Winnipeg Police and charged. One woman’s two children were taken. It was my first experience with the police and a pretty intense lesson about how some people feel about my work. It was so strange to be in that room with people who were so convinced that they were protecting me from myself, unable to engage or speak to them as peer human beings. I felt at such a loss. My life was changed. I couldn’t work, couldn’t even begin to know how to respond.

But as the weeks went by and I felt my energy and life force drain away, I was lifted up by the love that was given so freely by the people I share my life with. When I had to tell my parents, I was comforted by family. When I didn’t know where my path lay anymore, I was inspired by the people around me and their response to what was happening: the strength of it, the passion behind their convictions, the love they poured into me. I was reminded again and again that we were all working towards the same dream – bringing more love, courage, empathy, and light into the world.

It was summed up that night in a pub, with some new friends, glasses raised in a toast -

“This is a perfect, blessed moment.”

We are exactly where we are meant to be. This is the world we made.